Seeyah Tjai

Seeyah Tjai means sad, but the literal translation is broken heart. This is so appropriate for this week's post.

I don’t even know where to begin the story. One week ago seems like a distant memory from a dream nearly forgotten. Monday was a normal day, we had a staff meeting, we went to lunch at Sizzler to celebrate Field’s birthday. It’s not til the 31^st but Rob and Judy were going to be out of town in the Philippines to see their daughter graduate. We talked about what we’d do while they were gone, but none of us had any idea what was to come or what we’d have to deal with in their absence.

Tuesday started normally, worship and meeting, prayer and talking about the day. Judy wanted to bring some fruit to the some of the families. Last week, we had a team from the US here who made a video interviewing four families in the slums about their kids’ experience with Taw Saeng. They are going to use it for fundraising, and Judy wanted to give those families some fruit as a thank you. I really wanted to go see Winnie and Sophie’s moms, so I asked to come with Judy and Marie-Clare. We rushed to Wararot Market to pick up some fruit, then headed to the slums where we saw Billy’s mom as well as Winnie and Sophie’s moms. Sophie’s mom did not look good. Her legs were really swollen from edema and she was really lethargic. It was nice to talk to Winnie’s mom though. She is always smiling and positive and she makes me smile too, even when I’m worried about what’s going on with Sophie’s mom. I knew after that visit that things were only going to go downhill for her.

Wednesday Rob and Judy left for the Philippines and Ning and I went to look at a house to potentially rent. The house Ning and Faa used to live in was for rent, but it turns out that they already rented that one. Sad times. L However, the same owner owns the house next door and it’s also for rent. We are hoping to get it but Ning needs her to lower the price. If she can get her to lower it to 10,000 baht, that would be great. (That’s like $333 a month). 

We were preparing to go to Kung Fu Panda 2 on Saturday with all the kids, so we bought popcorn to make and bring, we talked to the kids about going to the movie, and on Thursday we planned to go buy tickets for the movie after our meeting. The best laid plans…

In Rob and Judy’s absence, Andy and Carmen have been filling in when they can. Andy was there that day and translated for the rest of us. He started giving us the back story, but I couldn’t wait as he rehashed what we already knew, so I told him the info we all had already. He said Sophie’s mom had stopped breathing, so Ning was going to the hospital. Never in my life have I had to exert the self-control it took to keep myself from bolting up off that couch and running up the stairs to help Ning. We prayed for her, talked about other things to pray for, but all I could think about was poor Sophie, all alone, having to rush her mom to the hospital. I couldn’t hear anything else going on, and was just waiting for our meeting to be over so I could go with Ning to the hospital.

As soon as we said “Amen” I took off upstairs and told Ning “I really want to come with you if it’s ok. I have money.” Ning was rushing around looking for something, but she couldn’t find it. I helped her look, but whatever it was we didn’t find. “Bai,” Ning finally said, which means “let’s go.” We rushed downstairs, only stopping long enough to grab my bag and Ning’s notebook. I hailed a Song Thaew as Ning threw her shoes on and we were off. The ride there was silent. What could we say? On the way, Sophie called and told Ning they were at a different hospital than what Ning had originally thought. This was not good. Last time she was in the hospital she had gone to the expensive private hospital instead of the government supported one which would let them pay much less for treatment.

We arrived at the hospital, rushed through the traffic to cross the street and into the ER. Sophie’s mom was sitting up with an oxygen tube on. My first thought was that it was good that she was sitting up and breathing. That meant they were able to resuscitate her . Pretty quickly they ushered us out of the room though and to the waiting area. It was Winnie’s mom, another neighbor, Sophie, Ning and I. I literally cannot remember a time in my life when I sat in one place for 3 hours straight and did not say a single word. Only tried to absorb what was going on around me. I have such limited Thai it was hard to understand exactly what was going on, but 3 hours outside an ER is never good news. Periodically, a nurse would come out and call Sophie in, so she would grab Ning and pull her in with her because she was so scared. Poor thing. I could think of nothing to do or say but sit next to her and hug her. I think she was in shock most of the time, but she did break down in tears a few times. Later, I found out that she had a final conversation with her mom that day before they intubated her. At least she got the chance to say goodbye and that she would be ok.  While Sophie and Ning were inside, I tried to talk to Winnie’s mom and the other neighbor in my limited Thai. Winnie’s mom was telling me about what had happened that morning. I was following for the most part. I asked her what will become of Sophie. She said (in Thai) “no mom, no dad, no brothers or sisters, no family. I don’t know.”

At about 5pm, Winnie’s mom and the other neighbor finally went home and left Sophie with Ning and I. At this point, she had started to come out of shock and was even joking a little. I had my camera with me, so she was looking through my pictures and laughing at some of them. She was teaching me the names of animals in Thai for a while. This has become my specialty in life, sitting with people at hospitals. Whether they are in hospital or it’s a family member, it seems that no matter the country, I end up at a hospital eventually. Finally about 10 after 5, a nurse came to tell us they had moved her mom to the ICU. We went up to see her but had to wait nearly an hour for a doctor to come talk to us. Finally, they had her set up and had us come in. I hung back a bit, I mean, it’s the ICU and I’m so not even close to family. But the doctor ushered me in with them. It was such a shock to see Sophie’s mom hooked up to a respirator and unconscious. I really thought when we came that it would be bad, but that they’d just tell her, “no REALLY you have to do dialysis.” I had no idea that we would leave her in a coma, medically induced or otherwise, I’m not even sure.

Sophie had to sign some admission papers. Imagine doing that at the age of 14. I remember myself at 14, and I feel like such a jerk for how caught up I was in my own drama. THIS is drama. I had no idea how good I had it with two parents, a house, a school I didn’t have to worry about paying for, food on the table. How self-absorbed we can be when compared with 14 year old kids who have to deal with the death of two parents in one year and no idea where they are going to live tomorrow. The weight of the world rests on this kid’s shoulders and I have no idea how to lift it.

After the papers were signed, we went in to pray over Sophie’s mom, then went back to Taw Saeng. We got back just in time for English class, which was sort of a blessing because it distracted me from what was going on. After class, I was on the second floor when Winnie came rushing in and asked me about Sophie’s mom. I told her she was in the hospital and she rushed upstairs to see Sophie. She is such a good friend to have, I am really thankful that Sophie has her. On Friday Marie-Clare came with Ning and I to the hospital while Sophie went to school. Ning took her to the hospital after school and then brought her back to Taw Saeng. There was no change, but the mom was conscious. She was in a lot of pain and there was still fluid in her lungs. It did not look good. Marie-Clare was positive about her good heart strength, but it really didn’t feel like she was going to be getting out of there anytime soon.

 

In other news, Friday was Marie-Clare’s birthday and Tuesday will be Field’s birthday, so we all went out for Haagen-Dazs ice cream after work. It was fun, even though it was tempered by the sadness we all felt for Sophie and her mom.

Saturday began with meeting Ning at Taw Saeng to bring her the money I had. She called the government hospital to find out if they could help. Luckily they said they would help cover the costs over 10,000 baht. Thank the Lord! With that settled, we went to the hospital. When we arrived, the pastor from their Akha church was there, along with a few other people from church, including Winnie’s mom. They all discussed what was going on and Ning told them about the government helping. We went in to pray for Sophie’s mom again and then Sophie went home and Ning and I headed to Kad Suan Kaew to buy the tickets for the movie and get some lunch.

While we were waiting for Field and the gang to arrive, we got Field a pretty ring for her birthday.  We were both so drained but the kids, and especially Sophie, really needed this, a day to watch a movie and laugh. As they were arriving, Ning went to wait by the door and hand out movie tickets, I waited by the escalator to send them to Ning and give out water bottles we had bought. Oy. Here’s where the day really starts going downhill. I had my camera out to take pics of the kids coming up the stairs. But, when they got to the top of the escalator, they went the wrong direction and I was hollering at them, but they didn’t hear me. I put my camera down, I thought in my bag, so I could run over and direct them to me, but it didn’t make it into my bag. The last kids to come in were Lucy and Sophie and Lucy was all dressed up in her new dress because it was her birthday, so I was distracted by that and the fact that we were 10 minutes late to the movie now, so I just grabbed my bag without looking down and went in. Leaving the camera and my Thai notebook with all my words and letters sitting on the ground. For anyone to take. Which they did. I did not realize this til after the movie let out when I went to get my camera and it was not there.

 

I was so upset, and then everyone was leaving, and it totally sucked because I didn’t even really get to see the kids at all, I was so consumed with the loss of my camera. There’s a week’s worth of pictures on there that are gone forever now. That was kind of the last straw for me. I nearly lost it right then and there in the mall. I had promised Lucy I’d take her for dinner and ice cream for her birthday, so she was waiting with me. We tried going to the movie theater and seeing if anyone had turned anything in, but nothing. Apparently they don’t have a lost and found in Thailand. People just take stuff if you leave it out and don’t turn it in. So, a $400 camera gone, all my Thai notes gone, even the little paper heart Lucy made me, gone. Lucy was so sweet though, she was like “P’Heather, don’t be sad. It’s ok! Don’t think about it!” haha. That almost made me burst into tears even more than I already felt like doing.

But, I pulled it together for her sake, it was her birthday after all.
We went down to KFC for her birthday dinner and I got some chicken strips, which had a hair cooked into it. Awesome. The day just kept on getting better. At least they replaced it. Lucy was very happy with her KFC. Afterwards we went to get ice cream at Swensen’s, the fancy ice cream place. We split a big ice cream split with oreos and chocolate sauce. Yummy. We got a scoop to take back to Ning at Taw Saeng too. All in all, it was a fun afternoon, but overshadowed by the sad stuff. And this was only half my day.

Lucy and I took a Song Thaew back to Taw Saeng, gave Ning her ice cream, and I took Lucy home. It took forever to get my bike to start, so when we got to her house, I was just going to drop her off, but she said “aren’t you going to come in?” with such a plaintive look, I couldn’t just leave. I said, ok if you want me to come in, I’ll come in. We parked and crossed the bridge over the river. They live rightnext to the river, so it’s no wonder it floods all the time. The banks are pretty low. Their house is pretty big but there are a lot of people who live there. There are six rooms, and a few people in each one. Lucy and Fiona share a room upstairs. I was like, “ok, I came all this way, so show me your room.” She was like “no! It’s a mess!” hahah, typical teenager. I’d say the same thing. I did get her to show me briefly though. It’s cute, hello kitty stickers and posters on the wall, like you’d expect. 

I was happy to come over anyway because I barely got to see little Annie at the movie, so I got to play with her a little bit while I was there. Sunny was over doing her homework with Fiona, so we all hung out for a while, and Lucy showed me her family picture and her getting her diploma. It was really cool. It was starting to get dark, so I headed back to Taw Saeng. Ning was still there, laying on the couch, so I lay down on the one next to her.

I was like, I just really want to cry. I know it’s stupid in the light of everything else that’s going on, to cry over a camera, but it’s like the last straw. Ning said “if you want to cry, cry.” So I did. It’s like, I can handle all this other stuff, piling up one thing after another, but this is just more than I can take right now. I asked Ning “do you ever have days where it’s just too much and you just can’t take it anymore?” She said “yes. Every day.” That made me feel like less of a loser.

Ning headed downstairs and made us some dinner while I lay there for a bit longer and wallowed. Then I drove her to her friend’s birthday for bowling before heading to my friend Ruth’s birthday night of karaoke. I really just wanted to go home and fall apart, but I needed to be with people and I had promised I’d go hang out with them. It was good to be silly and sing some stupid songs with my foreigner friends. It was nice to get some moral support from Sacha and Mon too. Getting there was an experience though because I couldn’t figure out where to park, so I tried to park in Kad Suan Kaew across the street (it’s a big mall) but then I got lost in the underground parking and couldn’t figure out how to access the motorbike parking because all the entrances seemed to be blocked. Argh! I was like 2 seconds from just giving up and going home. Then I saw a guy on a motorbike and asked him for help. Luckily, he spoke English and told me that there was parking at the top of the ramp. So I went up the ramp, past all the delivery bikes and found a bunch of other bikes that looked normal parked there. I asked one of the delivery guys if I could park there and he said it was fine, so off I went to karaoke.

 

About an hour later, I get a call from Inna. Well, from Inna’s phone. It was her neighbor telling me that Inna was in the ER with severe stomach pain and they thought it might be appendicitis. She was at the hospital next to the karaoke place, so I said I’d head over to be with her. The neighbor was picking up some things for her to bring to the hospital, which is why she called and not Inna. I grabbed Mon, who’s a nurse, and we walked over. On the way past Kad Suan Kaew, I saw my bike sitting there. Mon assured me it would be fine overnight.

When we got to the hospital, Inna was curled up on the bed, throwing up. Poor thing. She looked like she was in agony. They finally gave her some morphine to help with the pain. They made her drink a bottle of this green stuff that will react with the CT scan to see if she had appendicitis. Mon said it was good that she had no fever, because that meant it hadn’t burst yet.  Once the morphine kicked in, Inna felt a lot better. Mon headed home and I said I’d stay overnight with Inna so she wasn’t all alone. About an hour later, they came to take her to the CT scan.

About 1am, they came in with the results. No appendicitis, but she had an ovarian cyst that burst. They said she’d need surgery in the morning, so after the nurse and doctor left, we prayed for a miracle so she wouldn’t need surgery. She was supposed to go to Krabi on an all expense paid vacation on Monday!

We finally fell asleep and got about 3 hours before the nurses started coming in for vitals, etc. The doctor wasn’t coming until 9am, so we just watched tv and waited. Ahh, Heroes Season 1, I miss you. J Mon came in about 8:30 and we all chatted and waited. Finally, the doctor showed up at 9:30 and it was one Mon knew, so that was good. She said no surgery was necessary, but she wanted to do an ultrasound to be sure. Meanwhile, Jaz had called to see if we needed anything and I asked her to bring my bike over. She called to say she couldn’t find it! Great. I lost my bike and my camera in the same day. $1000 down the drain. At this point, I was completely numb, so much had happened. Since Mon was with Inna, I went to meet Jaz and look for my bike myself. 

We finally fell asleep and got about 3 hours before the nurses started coming in for vitals, etc. The doctor wasn’t coming until 9am, so we just watched tv and waited. Ahh, Heroes Season 1, I miss you. J Mon came in about 8:30 and we all chatted and waited. Finally, the doctor showed up at 9:30 and it was one Mon knew, so that was good. She said no surgery was necessary, but she wanted to do an ultrasound to be sure. Meanwhile, Jaz had called to see if we needed anything and I asked her to bring my bike over. She called to say she couldn’t find it! Great. I lost my bike and my camera in the same day. $1000 down the drain. At this point, I was completely numb, so much had happened. Since Mon was with Inna, I went to meet Jaz and look for my bike myself.

Thank goodness, as I walked over, I saw it sitting right where I had left it! Yay!! Jaz was looking in the wrong place. J I got it started, headed home for a shower, then over to Pantip Plaza to meet Field and the kids for lunch after church, since it was too late for me to go. I got there early and checked out all the camera stores but dude, cameras are still expensive here. I really wanted to see Sophie and how she was holding up, so I was glad she came with Winnie. I asked if she wanted to go see her mom after lunch, but she said she had seen her that morning, so she wasn’t sure. Just as we were finishing lunch, Winnie’s mom called and they rushed off to the hospital.

What had actually happened was that her mom was brain dead at this point. We didn’t find out this information until 4pm, when it was conveyed that she had died. In the 2 hours between, Field and I took the other kids to the park to play. It was a much needed time of relaxation, just feeding the fish, chatting with the kids and Field, and taking a break from everything that I cannot control. Just as we were packing up the kids to head back, the phone rang. It was the call I had been dreading. Ning called to say Sophie’s mom had died. She was out of town for the day, so I was like, OK, I’m going to the hospital. We dragged the kids to the Song Thaew, of course hit traffic, and I jumped out of the bus and onto my bike. I had called Carmen on the song thaew because she wanted to be updated on what was happening with Sophie’s mom, so she was planning to meet me at the hospital.

I raced through traffic to the hospital, parked my bike and rushed up to the ICU. There was no one there. I was so confused, first because her mom was still hooked up to life support and second because there was nobody there! I didn’t know at this point that they had all found out this information at noon and had gone home already. I finally got ahold of Winnie to find out what was going on. She was at Pantip using the internet. I was even more confused! Luckily, the nurses at the ICU were able to tell me what was going on. I told Winnie to call Sophie and have her call me because I didn’t have her number and she didn’t have mine. The nurses let me see Sophie’s mom, and explained that her brain was “no good.” So, she was on life support and they were just waiting for her to pass away. I talked to her for a minute and then went downstairs to wait for Carmen.

I called Ning while I waited. I asked what she wanted me to do, and she said just be there to support Sophie and Winnie, and since I was planning to do that anyway, that was good to hear. As soon as I hung up with Ning, Sophie called me and asked where I was and if I was coming to her house. I assured her I would be there as soon as I could. Then Carmen arrived, we went up to see Sophie’s mom and pray over her and headed over to Sophie’s. Carmen has been here for 10 years, so she had a long talk with Sophie about everything, then headed home to her 3 kids while I stayed. Winnie came home somewhere in there and before I knew it I was sitting on the floor with a bunch of Akha people making pom poms for hair ties to sell at the market. Surreal but awesome.

We watched some Mr. Bean with Winnie’s little brother, who is 3 and oh-so-cute. He was playing tag with me and it was so funny, he’d hit me and run away, and everyone would yell at him for hitting the farang, but I’d be like, “oh, he’s fine.” Poor thing had a toothache that day though, so he was also crying on and off.

About 7:30pm I said, ok, kiddo, I’m gonna head home unless you want me to stay. But Winnie and Sophie were like “No! You have to stay for dinner!” so I agreed. Then Winnie needed help with her English homework, so we sat down to do that while dinner was getting ready. It’s a good thing I didn’t leave because about 10 minutes later, the phone rang. It was the hospital and Sophie’s mom had just died. Winnie’s mom, Sophie and I went to the end of the road to meet the Akha pastors to go to the hospital. Poor thing. She had to sign papers to release her mom’s body and then we had to go order a casket for the funeral the next day.

We finally went back to the house and ate some dinner, then I helped Winnie with her homework while Sophie and Winnie’s mom went to Thapae to talk to the other people from the village to raise some money for the funeral. When we finally finished, Winnie looked at me and said, “It’s sad today because Sophie’s mom died.” (That was in English, btw.) There was nothing to say but “Yeah.” 

Monday May 30

This was a very dreary morning. I got to Taw Saeng before anyone other than Pa Bua, nothing unusual there. I thought I’d be going to a funeral, but didn’t know what to wear, so brought everything nice that I own. But then found out from Ning that I needed to wear black, and I did not bring a black t-shirt, so I had to race home to get one. I came back and Ning asked me to go get some food for her at 7-11 so I got us both something, but it just got stuck in my throat and then I felt like I was going to throw up. I can’t even breathe. It feels like there is a lead weight around my heart and it’s going to crush me. I really just want to see Sophie and see how she is doing.

I got ahold of Ryan and Elizabeth and they wanted to come to the funeral too. We met at 12:30 and jumped in their truck to go to Sophie’s house. When we arrived, we discovered that instead of having a day of viewing of the body at the house, they were just going to bury her today up in the hills. Luckily we got there just as the burial team was leaving, so we followed them up in to the mountains. It took about an hour and a half up windy, beautiful jungle roads, ending in a 15 minute drive up a dirt road with no sign. I have no idea how we even found it. When we arrived, they had already started, but I don’t think it had been going on long. Sophie was standing at the end of the grave just staring down into space as the pastor talked.

When we arrived, we locked eyes, but I think she was in so much shock, she didn’t even register our presence. The service was short, maybe 10 minutes. When they were done speaking, we all threw a handful of dirt over the casket. It was a surreal, somber moment.  Sophie’s dad was also buried there, so while they shoveled dirt over the casket, a few people went over to clean the weeds from around his grave, so I went to help too, just to feel like I was doing something other than being a foreign observer at this sad event. Because of the rains, a lot of the dirt had been washed away, so Sophie was trying to pack some more dirt in the spaces where it had washed away.

 

When we arrived, we locked eyes, but I think she was in so much shock, she didn’t even register our presence. The service was short, maybe 10 minutes. When they were done speaking, we all threw a handful of dirt over the casket. It was a surreal, somber moment.  Sophie’s dad was also buried there, so while they shoveled dirt over the casket, a few people went over to clean the weeds from around his grave, so I went to help too, just to feel like I was doing something other than being a foreign observer at this sad event. Because of the rains, a lot of the dirt had been washed away, so Sophie was trying to pack some more dirt in the spaces where it had washed away.

After the burial was finished, they passed out cups of soda and water to everyone. I put my iPod into Sophie’s bag because she loves listening to my music, even though she doesn’t understand the words. I made her a playlist last night of songs I thought she would like, plus ones I know she already likes and some that are comforting. Even though she won’t understand them, I feel like music transcends language. Whenever someone is in the hospital or is dealing with the death of a loved one, I always give them music to get them through. I know it helps me deal with stuff. My thought is, I can’t give you back your mom, I can’t fix things for you, but I can give you music that will heal your soul.

We headed back down the mountain to Taw Saeng. At 6 that night, Ning and I went over to Sophie’s house for a worship hour with the Akha pastors. I was hoping we would sing some Akha songs, since I can at least read it phonetically, but no such luck. Just Thai. I was trying to follow along in the book with the sounds I knew, but I was mostly just looking at Ning and trying to follow the sounds she was making. A couple songs I knew the English versions of, so I sang them. One song I knew part of in Thai, so I could sing that too. I was sitting across the circle of people from Sophie. She was singing some, but sometimes she would go silent and just stare down at the book like she was still in shock.

  Then the pastor did a short sermon in Akha and Thai. I understood quite a few words, but not enough to really understand everything. I was sitting next to him in the circle though, so I was just staring intently at him, trying to absorb and translate as much as I could as fast as I could. It was interesting. After it was over, we were saying goodbye to everyone, and the pastors both took my hand and said God bless you. 

It’s so strange to me, this whole funeral thing. For one thing, we were the only ones dressed in nicer clothes at the burial, most people were in regular clothes. For another, Winnie was not at the funeral, she actually went to school, and then she didn’t come to the evening service either. I would think that if ever there was a day to skip school, the day of your best friend’s mother’s funeral would be it. I don’t really understand all the social and societal nuances though. I just felt so bad for Sophie sitting in this room full of adults, looking so all alone. At least she could have had her friend there to support her.

The rest of the week passed in a blur. I didn’t really sleep much at all. On Tuesday, I came home and felt like if I didn’t get some endorphins into me, the despair was just going to drown me. I wanted to go running, but Jaz said it wasn’t safe to go that late at night, so we got up early on Wednesday and went running. I so needed that. It made me feel like a human being again. I still felt like I had a lead weight sitting on my chest, but at least I could make it through the day.

Friday was the first day all week that I felt as though I slept and I woke up without the feeling that someone was sitting on my chest. It was nice, but made me feel a little guilty, you know? Like, I shouldn’t get to feel normal until we have Sophie settled  

Friday was also a good day for me in terms of Thai language. When Sophie came and I asked her if she had homework, NIng looked up in surprise from what she was doing and laughed. I was like “didn’t I say it right?” and she said “Yeah, you said it exactly like a Thai person. That’s why I had to check it was you!” Yay! I have finally achieved that level in my speaking. I’m so excited. Also, earlier in the day, I had a print out of this Thai song that the kids do and I also had my phonetic words that I had written with Field’s help. So, I sat down at the table and tried to separate the characters into words. I did the whole song and gave it to Field to correct. She only changed one thing! I was so proud of myself. I am thisclose to reading in Thai. Even if I don’t understand what I’m reading, I’ll be able to read within another month I think, if I keep up with it.

 

Friday was also worship night. My favorite night of the month, when we sing songs with the kids and Field or Ning teaches Bible stories about Jesus and salvation. This week I have been practicing the two songs I know in Thai. It was so awesome to get to play with Field and have all the kids singing away. So, the week ended well, but there is still this overwhelming problem of finding a place for Sophie to live. We need to set up a sponsorship program for her to support her through the next few years of her life. If you feel like you would like to be a part of this, please email me.