Secondary Trauma

This is kind of a schizophrenic entry. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and it's difficult to keep up with writing about.

When working with vulnerable kids who live in chronic trauma, there is no option but to experience secondary trauma as a result of trying to help them through these things that are so awful to us, but so normal to them. Most of the time, my efforts fail because I only have a peripheral influence in the kids' lives and their families, no matter how broken and terrible they are, have more of an influence and can make the kids make decisions against their best interest. Last time I went to a counseling debrief, my counselor was like "You've been talking for 10 minutes and *I* need a counseling session. You need to come more often than once a quarter." I will try to go monthly so I can process all the weight of this collective trauma. Sometimes I feel like it's may be worse for me than them because they only carry the weight of their lives, while I carry the weight of all their lives. Also, I can see the multiple paths their lives may go with the wisdom of age, but they are kids and they can only see the immediate future, maybe only 24 hours into the future. It's so much harder to see them make bad choices that will effect their entire lives when I have also seen the outcome of other kids' bad decisions. If they have not seen the same outcome, they just don't even make the connection and it's impossible to convince them of the possibility of something bad or worse happening to them.

OK, this week has wrecked me. First, on Saturday, I met up with Yvonne, Gabby and Willow. Yvonne’s mom took off with her new boyfriend so now she is staying with her older brothers and their pregnant girlfriends. Willow’s mom has totally left her to her own devices, yells at her all the time and refuses to pay for her school, food, etc. My sweet little Willow already has 2 tattoos at age 15, and is dressing like a little hoochie. I want to get this kid into a home, mine or Baan San Rak, as soon as possible to keep her off the streets and safe. I love that kid so much it hurts and to see her going down this road toward something bad rips my heart to shreds. Gabby is 4 months pregnant already, so I’m going to see if she wants to go live at Compass 31. And then there’s Billy, bouncing around from place to place, his aunts not providing him shelter, just occasional money and I want him to get into ZOE if he can. My heart just breaks for these kids who have already fallen through the cracks of society and have nobody to fight for them. After they left Taw Saeng, they were off the radar of those guys. Nobody follows up with them, nobody makes sure they are safe, nobody listens to them and tries to help them. They all just want to gloss over their problems and say “mai ben rai.” I hate that it all falls on me alone. I hate falling into the “white savior” trap. But what other option is there? Ning and Faa are in Chiang Rai, Ahna is in the states, Field is in Lamphun, Inna, Rob and Judy are in Canada. That only leaves me who cares about these kids having a future that doesn’t involve jail or prostitution.

At least we got their applications for GSN (aka GED) filled out yesterday. I’m gonna continue working on that with them and get them going on classes so they can at minimum finish high school. Poor Willow, she said “I just want a family that will send me to school. I just want to have family who will give me a home and feed me. Why won’t my mom do that? I’m just a kid. Why do I have to take care of myself already?”While we were at the center, I was telling them about counseling and Willow said "Can I do counseling? I think about killing myself all the time."

Tonight, I saw Somchai, Nellie’s brother who I helped get a scholarship to go to Achewa high school. I am so proud of him, he has really fought hard to get where he is at. He finished GSN for 9^th grade, and even though it was really difficult for him to get through first term, he’s sticking with it in regular school. He really values the scholarship and has dreams for his life. At first, he just wanted to get food to go, but I convinced him to sit and talk to me, and it ended up being over an hour in the end. I am so glad, because he really opened up about his struggles with school, with having his family not understand him, not understand that he has homework to do, and how hard he is trying to just get passing grades. He always had like  3.7 before when he was just doing standardized tests, but now with homework, his grades are dropping because more is expected of him. The poor kid, he even said that when his mom yells at him, she won’t listen to him and it makes him cry. This 18 year old boy is telling me that he cries when his mom yells at him. He is such a sensitive soul.

He is doing such good things though and is such a strong Christian. He started a cell group on campus with some of his Christian friends and they meet every Friday to pray and worship together. He’s teaching himself guitar so he can go play and sing at night bazaar to make money for his future. He has such ambition and such drive. It blows my mind. He is the first person in his family to study this far and he is facing such battles. I have to say, in his place, I would probably give up. I don’t know if I could stand up to all the pressures he is under from society and his family. I prayed with him and he said he felt better. He said he never talks to anyone at home, he’s so uncomfortable and nobody understands him, he just saved it up to tell me. I told him I’m going to really make an effort to see him once a month and check in with him and that if he ever needs to talk, he can call me whenever. I really pray that he can persevere and finish high school and go on to college too. I want to see him succeed in life and make his way out of this cycle of poverty. If anyone can do it, it’s Somchai.

October 19, 2016

Dude, why do these kids parents have to suck SO FRICKING MUCH? Willow told me tonight that her mom told her to drop out of school and work so she could send her money and she can live in a dorm room on her own and do Goh Soh Noh. I can’t bear to see this sweet kid get the crap kicked out of her by life at the age of 15. I wish I had any power whatsoever. I would pick her up right now and never let her talk to her mother again. What a terrible person. I am so scared for this kid that she will get abused and trafficked. I hate feeling the weight of all these kids’ lives on my shoulders. Why is there no one to help them? It’s impossible for me to do it on my own. I have no power, I can’t do anything for them. Everything I try just fails. It’s all so hopeless and shitty. Her life is over at age 15. Her aunt will force her to work at her massage parlor all day and how long until she’s going to have to start doing “favors” for clients? What do we do? What do I do? Prayer is not enough. Action needs to be taken or else what the hell are we here for?

When the kids were at the office and we were working on their paperwork for Goh Soh Noh, Billy was like “Why are you working so hard to get us into school?” And I said it was because he’s like my kid and I love them and want them to have a good future. The whole reason I came to work at Taw Saeng was because I loved their vision for keeping kids in school and helping them have a good future. Now that they are not in Taw Saeng and I’m all that’s left of the staff that really cares about them, it’s up to me to make that vision reality. He was like “Oh, I thought it was because it was your job.” I said, well now that you are coming to counseling and stuff, it’s become my job but I didn’t start doing this because it’s my job, I started because I care about you and want the best for you.

Then, when I was driving him home, he asked me why I wasn’t around for a while but then when his dad died, I started tracking him down more. I said it was because I knew he had dropped out of school and out of Taw Saeng and I knew nobody was watching out for him, and that I didn’t want o see him end up like so many other boys in his situation. I have seen kids living on the streets and stealing to eat and doing drugs and end up in juvie. I didn’t want to see him go to juvie because I know he can have a good future. He said that when his dad died, he wanted to kill himself because he thought nobody cared about him anymore and he didn’t know who would take care of him now. I said that he has me and Joy and Mimi now and that I was working on getting him into ZOE so he would have a real family to stay with who would have him in real school and really love him and take care of him. He actually didn’t even remember me being at his dad’s funeral, not even when I showed him pictures. Weird, Ahngun didn’t remember that either about the whole time with her mom, at the hospital, at the funeral, at Wa’s house. She was in such shock she doesn’t remember any of it. Bird is probably in the same boat. Shock is a powerful thing.  

Updates:

Did a home visit with Jume for Willow. She now just wants to work and do GSN, and doesn't want to live at Baan San Rak cause she is worried about taking care of her grandpa and brother. I'm still crazy worried and stressed about her. 

Billy may go to another children's home. High likelihood after I did a home visit with the staff on Friday. They have to get final approval from their higher ups, but hopefully that will happen in the next couple of weeks. 

Yvonne has decided she will work at the coffee shop where she got a job and she will work til the end of the year and then move to live with her grandma in another province.

Gabby wants to go to school, but doesn’t want to go to Compass 31, she wants to live with her boyfriend’s family. So, I’ll stay in touch with her for the time being and see if I can at least get her to commit to school.